12 Ways to Turn Your Wounds into Wisdom and Strength

“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.”
―Bob Dylan

At some point, you will come to realize that living the good life involves some amount of necessary pain, and that there are more flavours of pain than ice cream and coffee combined…

There’s the little empty pain of leaving something behind ‒ graduating, taking the next step, walking out of a familiar, safe situation and into the excitement of the unknown.  There’s the giant, whirling pain of life upsetting all of your big plans and expectations.  There’s the little sharp pains of making a mistake, and the more obscure aches of success, when it doesn’t make you feel as good as you thought it would.  There are the vicious, backstabbing pains of betrayal.  The sweet little pains of finding others who are worthy of your time, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn.  There’s the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend or lover and help them face their problems.

And on the best of days, there are the subtle, tingling pains you feel throughout your body when you realize that you’re standing in a moment of sweet perfection, an instant of great achievement, or happiness, or laughter, which at the same time cannot possibly last ‒ and yet will remain with you for the rest of your life.

Everyone is down on pain, and when we experience it we usually say we’re having a bad day, because we forget something important about what we’re going through: Pain is for the living – for those of us who still have the chance of a lifetime.  Only the dead don’t feel it, because their time is already up.

So with this in mind, here are twelve smart ways to turn all your daily wounds into wisdom and strength:

1. Admit to your emotional pain, so you can deal with it and heal. – Emotional pain is less dramatic than physical pain, at least from the outside looking in, but it is more common and also more difficult to bear than broken bones.  The frequent attempt to conceal emotional pain increases the burden.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Sure, it is easier to say, “My leg is aching” than to say, “My heart is broken,” but that doesn’t mean your heart needs less self-care then your leg.  If fact, the exact opposite is true.

2. Let go of what used to be and no longer is. – When you realize that none of it is yours – that you don’t get to claim or even keep any of it in the end – and when you’re willing to let go of attaching to anything you consider “mine,” you’re suddenly free.  There’s no need to grip or grasp.  Yet, one of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s possessions, obsessions, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But letting go is always the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic attachments and thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.  Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.

3. Emotionally detach yourself from your problems. – You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together.  And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them.

4. View every challenge as an educational assignment. – Ask yourself:  “What is this situation meant to teach me?”  Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us.  Some of these lessons include:  To become stronger.  To communicate more clearly.  To trust your instincts.  To express your love.  To forgive.  To know when to let go.  To try something new, learn something new, and never look back.

5. Ask yourself more positive questions. – If you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers.  There are no positive answers to, “Why me?” “Why didn’t I?” “What if?” etc.  Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself?  I doubt it.  So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction.  For instance, “What can I do right now to move forward?”

6. Make small adjustments as you figure out what works and what doesn’t. – A big part of your life is a result of the choices you make.  If you don’t like some part of your life, then it is time to start making changes and better choices.  This change may not be easy, but it is possible.  Habits that keep us stuck in life are made in each moment, day by day.  Undoing these habits takes the same exact path.  Focus on the small things you can do right now, not the big things you can’t.  These small daily changes add up to huge results in the end.

7. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. – Winston S. Churchill once said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.”  In other words, never, never, never give in!  The brick walls in life are there for a reason.  They are not there to keep you out.  They are there to give you a chance to show how badly you want something.  Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it as badly as you do.  They are there to stop the other people.

8. Keep calm and focus on the positive. – The realist sees reality as concrete.  The OPTIMIST sees reality as clay.  Be the optimist and mold the clay your way.  Take what you’ve learned and build something new.  In other words, don’t see the difficulties in today’s opportunities, see the opportunities in today’s difficulties.  Write it on your heart that today is a chance of a lifetime.  And remember that there is always a reason to celebrate.  Slowing down long enough to celebrate the small victories creates momentum and inspiration to keep on keepin’ on.  I encourage my coaching clients and friends to celebrate every little thing, every chance they get.

9. Consciously nurture your inner hope. – There’s a saying in Tibetan, “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.”  No matter what sort of difficulties, or how painful an experience is, if you lose your hope, that’s your real tragedy.  So remember, a loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”

10. Remind yourself that you are not alone. – To lose sleep worrying about a friend.  To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down.  To feel like less because someone didn’t love you enough to stay.  To be afraid to try something new for fear that you will fail.  None of this means you’re dysfunctional or crazy.  It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to right yourself.  You are not alone.  No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it is your mind trying to sell you a lie.

11. Pay less attention to other people’s opinions of you. – The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether someone thinks you’re amazing, or believes you’re terrible, again, is more about them.  I am not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback, but I am saying that too much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from taking things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide. 

12. Embrace the new, stronger version of YOU. – You are not who you used to be, and that’s okay.  You’ve been hurt; you’ve gone through numerous ups and downs that have made you who you are today.  Over the years, so many things have happened – things that have changed your perspective, taught you lessons, and forced your spirit to grow.  As time passes, nobody stays the same, but some people will still tell you that you have changed.  Respond to them by saying, “Of course I’ve changed.  That’s what life is all about.  I’m still the same human being, just a little stronger now than I ever was before.”

Afterthoughts

Remember, strength doesn’t come from comfort; it comes from stretching your comfort zone and overcoming all the things you once thought you couldn’t handle.  When you find yourself at your most painful points in life, you are open to the greatest positive change.

In the end, the strongest people are the ones who feel pain, accept it, learn from it, and fight through it.

They turn their wounds into wisdom and strength.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/01/14/12-ways-to-turn-your-wounds-into-wisdom-and-strength/

9 Things You Should Be Able to Say About Your Life

“May you live every day of your life.”
―Jonathan Swift

I just received an email from a young reader named Diane that nearly brought me to tears.  The opening lines of her email read: “I’m dying of Leukemia at age 18.  I was sent home from the hospital for my final few weeks 156 days ago.  But now I’m back at the hospital being treated again, because my doctors now believe there is hope.”

I pray a miracle continues to work on Diane’s behalf, and I’m also selfishly grateful for the reminder she has given me.  Our lives are fleeting, and the best day to fight for the right to live a full life is today.  For those of us lucky enough to have our health, this means doing something amazing today.  And by “amazing,” I mean taking small, positive steps forward on a purposeful path.

Because everything you want to do takes daily practice.  Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same.  In each, it’s the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, mental and physical, from which comes the sense of achievement, clarity of one’s meaning, and a satisfaction of the inner spirit.  One becomes, in some way, an athlete of Life itself.  And practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, faith, or desire.  It’s the only means of lifelong fulfillment.

As Mae West so profoundly said, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

And you know you’re on the right track when you can repeat each of the following headlines to yourself, honestly.  (And if you can’t, this short list gives you something positive to work on.)

1. I have kept an open mind to new ideas and experiences. – As they say, a ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.  Accepting some level of risk in life is important.  You cannot be both close-minded and wise.  You have to open up to the unknown.  Close-minded people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.  Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it’s the farthest thing from it.  Because cynics don’t learn anything.  Cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world that occurs when we’re afraid it will hurt us or let us down.  Cynics always say “no.”  Do the opposite.  Saying “yes” begins things.  Saying “yes” is how things grow.  Saying “yes” leads to firsthand experience and knowledge.  “Yes” is for strong, open-minded people.  So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”

2. I am following my heart and intuition. – Don’t be pushed by your problems.  Be led by your dreams.  Live the life you want to live.  Be the person you want to remember years from now.  Make decisions and act on them.  Make mistakes, fail and try again.  Even if you fail a thousand times, at least you won’t have to wonder what could have been.  At least you will know in your heart that you gave your dreams your best shot.  Each of us has a fire in our hearts burning for something.  It’s our responsibility in life to find it and keep it lit.  Because it’s far better to fail in originality, our own way, than to succeed in imitation every day of our lives. 

3. I am being honest with myself. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed.  Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become.  Be honest with every aspect of your life, always.  Because you are the one person you can forever count on.  Own your choices, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them.  Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will.  And when they do, you will become an instrument of their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own.

4. I am making a difference. – Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does.  Is it true that we all live to serve?  That by helping others we fulfill our own destiny?  The answer is a simple “yes.”  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you – something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.  You are only one, but you are one.  You cannot do everything, but you can do something.

5. I don’t need anyone else to complete me. – There’s far more to life than finding someone who will want you, or getting upset over someone who won’t.  There’s a lot of important time to be spent discovering yourself without begging someone to fall in love with you along the way… and this journey doesn’t need to be empty or painful.  YOU need to fill yourself up with love – self-love – first.  Become a whole being on your own.  Go on adventures, explore your passions, wander around the city and see new sights, sit in coffee shops and read, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others who can’t pay you back, smile and have fun.  Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without someone giving it to you every second.  You can.  And once you give it to yourself, you will feel healed, and you will ultimately open yourself up to the possibility of healthy relationships with others. 

6. I have been brave enough to be vulnerable. – So many of us feel alone, even when we’re surrounded by others we call friends and family.  Inside, regardless of present company, we feel misunderstood and scared.  We worry that telling people about our fears will make them think less of us.  We wonder if anyone else feels the same way we do.  We convince ourselves that we’re weird, that no one else hears the voices in their head, that we’re the only one who needs a hug.  Well wake up!  YOU aren’t alone.  Be brave enough to open up to those you love, and you’ll see that I’m right.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself.  Owning your story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending your life running from it.  Embracing your vulnerability is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and friendship and personal growth – the life experiences that require you to be the most vulnerable.

7. I have forgiven those who once hurt me. – We’ve all been hurt by another person at some point or another – we were treated badly, trust was broken, hearts were hurt.  And while this pain is normal, sometimes that pain lingers for too long.  We relive the pain over and over, letting them live rent-free in our head and we have a hard time letting go.  Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, it causes us to miss out on the beauty of life as it happens.  To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you. 

8. I persevered through tough times. – Sometimes you have to die a little on the inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself again.  Call it growth.  Call it finding yourself.  Call it whatever you want.  The key is to live moment to moment when times are tough, and push forward, until moments become minutes… minutes become hours… hours become days… days become weeks… weeks turn to months… and time again has meaning… and life becomes a reason to smile.  The process is almost like learning to walk or speak for the very first time.  It isn’t easy, but in the process we grow and we find ourselves, stronger, wiser, and possessing talents we didn’t know we had.  When we refuse to give up on ourselves, the toughest of times can lead us to the best.

9. I have no regrets. – This one is simply an amalgamation of the previous eight, and then some…  Follow your heart.  Be true to yourself.  Do what makes you happy.  Be with who makes you smile.  Laugh as much as you breathe.  Love as long as you live.  Say what you need to say.  Find the courage to feel different, yet beautiful.  Find it in your heart to make others feel good too.  Know that you don’t need many people in your life, just a few great ones, so don’t lower yourself and your standards for the wrong reasons.  Be strong when things get tough.  Remember that the universe is always doing what’s right.  Recognize when you’re wrong and learn from it.  Always look back and see how much you’ve grown, and be proud of yourself.  Appreciate all the things you have.  Celebrate your small victories.  Forgive.  And let go of the things you can’t control.

The floor is yours…

Many moons from now, when you’re on your deathbed, what’s one thing you absolutely want to be able to say about yourself and your life?

http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/02/04/9-things-you-should-be-able-to-say-about-your-life/#more-811

LIFE!

http://addicted2success.com/quotes/50-powerful-tony-robbins-quotes-that-has-changed-my-life/

Why Self-Awareness Is the Secret Weapon for Habit Change

More than we’d probably like to admit so many of our days are spent in a state of self-delusion, an internal monologue of justifying our actions, both good and bad. When we do something wrong, our evolutionary instincts kick in and we do anything we can to not acknowledge the obvious: sometimes, it’s all our fault.

T

he examples should sound familiar: We get necessary and helpful feedback from a boss or colleague, only to snarl under our breath, but failing to realize the foolishness on our end. We become aware of our declining efficiency, so instead of treating the disease we treat the symptoms and we chug coffee only to crash an hour later face-first into our keyboard (and then we go searching for productivity hacks because our workload is too high).

Over time, this becomes our routine, our default reaction, and we fail to stop and reflect on what we’re doing. To make it even more difficult, many of us don’t have the luxury of someone being accountable for us (who does?), helping us recognize our mistakes and their repercussions.

Catching ourselves before we engage in our typical default reactions is one of the greatest challenges of our lives, but when done relentlessly and with discipline and moments of reflection, mindfulness ensues. It’s human nature to first experience and then explain. How difficult it is to be in the midst of trolling, stopping yourself and admitting, “Wait a minute, I’m trolling right now because this person’s opinion just sucker-punched my ego, and I feel a visceral desire to tell this person they’re an idiot so I can feel better!” Instead, we hit send and then explain why we did it.

It’s human nature to first experience and then explain.

In the words of Harvard Business Review writer Anthony K. Tjan, “…there is one quality that trumps all, evident in virtually every great entrepreneur, manager, and leader. That quality is self-awareness. The best thing leaders can [do] to improve their effectiveness is to become more aware of what motivates them and their decision-making.” 

Taking pause, and allowing a moment of reflection where we gain clarity and realize our foolishness is so vital to cultivating self-awareness. You’re fighting against all your adaptive and evolutionary behaviors—your mind is hardwired to protect itself at all times—so instead of expending energy on fruitless actions for the sake of a damaged ego, you pause, reflect, and do what’s best for you.

Self-awareness is defined as conscious knowledge of oneself; it’s a stepping stone to reinventing oneself, learning to make wiser decisions, and helps you tune into your thoughts and feelings. So often we place blame on externalities because it’s the easiest excuse, when in fact we should be thinking about our thinking, reflecting, trying on different perspectives, and learning from our mistakes. 

The Roman philosopher Seneca once said, “For a person who is not aware that he is doing anything wrong has no desire to be put right. You have to catch yourself doing it before you can reform.” 

There isn’t one way to exercise self-awareness, and everyone will meet it in different ways, so below I will outline a few tactics that I hope will help you in this arduous yet equally rewarding practice. 

1. The pursuit of self-awareness is difficult and requires dedication.

“The force that can save the amateur is awareness, particularly self-awareness. But the amateur understands, however dimly, that if she truly achieved this knowledge, she would be compelled to act upon it. To act upon this self-awareness would mean defining herself, i.e., differentiating herself from the tribe and thus making herself vulnerable to rejection, expulsion, and all the other fears that self-definition elicits. ” — Steven Pressfield, Turning Pro

To be conscious of who you are, how you think, and what you do is invaluable because it leads to self-knowledge, and in turn, change. Perhaps this is why in practices like Alcoholics Anonymous and cognitive behavioral therapy they first help the individual become self-aware—to be conscious of their fears, thoughts, behaviors, mustering the courage to own it, and using that awareness to facilitate behavioral change. 

The dedication required to change our mind and behavior is the fight of our lives. It’s within human nature to habituate, to create routines, so that our brain exerts less effort and spends less energy. The potential danger in this is that we can get too comfortable doing the wrong things, and as Seneca previously said, if we are unaware of it we may have no desire to be put right.

What makes this pursuit particularly difficult is because it isn’t a popular topic of discussion in our culture. It’s not championed in the institutions that raise us. It is extremely difficult to humbly admit a shortcoming instead of fabricating a tale to mitigate the blow.

It is extremely difficult to humbly admit a shortcoming instead of fabricating a tale to mitigate the blow.

And there’s the crux of searching for self-awareness: Do we embrace the “ignorance is bliss” adage when a bright light shines on our flaws? Do we simply escape the reality of who are and let the tides of the day carry us adrift? Or we do face ourselves and move onward towards a path that allows us to reinvent ourselves to embrace our best, truest selves, regardless of how painful it may be at times? 

Don’t let those who have fallen into a comfortable groove tell you that this is how life is supposed to be lived. Reflect on your shortcoming, understand the source of its weakness, observe your own contributions or lack thereof, and deeply internalize the lesson so that next time you can play a bigger role. It’s going to be hard, because the mind will thrive to defend you from any opposing information or perspective. It will push for unrealistic attitudes to make you feel better because, hey, you need to survive. This isn’t only our default reaction, it’s simply human nature. 

2. Practice being self-reflective.

“Meditation is a rich and powerful method of study for anyone who knows how to examine his mind, and to employ it vigorously. I would rather shape my soul than furnish it. There is no exercise that is either feeble or more strenuous, according to the nature of the mind concerned, than that of conversing with one’s own thoughts. The greatest men make it their vocation, ‘those for whom to live is to think.’” — Montaigne, Essays

At the end of the day, before I go to sleep, I spend ten to twenty minutes meditating. What that really means is I sit there in the dark reflecting on my day, playing the events in my head and pinpointing where I made mistakes.

I ask myself a series of questions to help me digest my day: Did I do what was required of me? Why was I nervous when speaking to that stranger? What did I learn today that was useful? Was I kind to others, to myself? Did I exercise? Why did I check Instagram 10 times in the midst of company? When my friend was telling me a story, why did I tune out?

I do this in hopes that tomorrow I can approach the day with clarity and a better mindset and to acknowledge where I fell short so that I can improve. But you don’t have to meditate in the sense that you’re sitting cross-legged with your eyes closed. You can journal your thoughts. You can simply think out loud while pacing around your room. You can discuss it with a close friend, asking them for their perspective so it can shine a light on your misperceptions.

Self-reflection can take place anywhere at any time. After a heated debate or after realizing a failure, stop yourself from reacting emotionally (which is difficult, for sure). Instead, reflect on the event, look at the individual parts, and be curious as to why it didn’t work out. Seek to understand, not to be right. Where are the faults? What was missed? What piece of the puzzle is missing to help you understand, to alleviate the frustrations, to put the event into perspective? In these moments you’re filled with insecurities and misperceptions. This is far more helpful for devising a solution than ranting and complaining. 

Seek to understand, not to be right.

3. Have a philosophical foundation to return to.

“To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school . . . it is to solve some of the problems of life, not only theoretically, but practically.” — Henry David Thoreau

If you look at any story where the hero is aided by a wise teacher—Luke Skywalker and Yoda; Frodo and Gandalf; Harry Potter and Dumbledore; the grandmaster and the novice; the general and the soldier—what we’re seeing is the teaching of practical wisdom from teacher to student. The common themes of sacrifice, selflessness, humility, courage, duty, honor, are all aims that we strive for in our daily lives but we sometimes lose our focus. These mentors were around to instill a moral code in their pupils. When we don’t have a more experienced colleague to nudge us back into place, philosophy can serve as our guide, our champion. 

The challenge, of course, is remembering to return to our philosophy the way we would call a friend in a time of despair. It’s not so much about fully embracing one philosophical (or religious) school—Stoicism or, say, Buddhism—but to take principles, practical wisdom that has been talked about throughout all of human history, and to utilize it in your life. Sometimes, we need a little “do this, not that.” 

For example, after realizing that you had wasted your most creative hours manicuring your social media profiles, can you learn from that error? Can you admit to yourself, “I messed up. Time to get to work.” Or will you just blame writer’s block or some bogus excuse? Is there a specific quote or mantra or passage from a book that can help you refocus your energies to stop procrastinating and actually do the work? Or perhaps you have a hero that you look up to. Is that what they would do? Stumble around and blame the muse or actually sit down and work?

Roman philosopher Epictetus once said that a good philosophy is, “Self-scrutiny applied with kindness.” You must learn to face yourself, to admit mistakes, to learn from them, and to let that awareness motivate and change you. Because frankly, who else is responsible for the quality of your life? Above all, you have to be compassionate with yourself because this change is a slow and steady process, a struggle to override old habits and to ultimately form new ones that define who you become. 

You must realize that this process of exercising self-awareness is increasingly difficult because everything from cultural influences to your ancient brain is fighting against you. It is far easier to throw a mental tantrum, to blame externalities, to flee from the painful reality of our flaws and mistakes.

                                                                      ***

The late, great Maya Angelou once said that, “When you know better, you do better.” Once you have made a mistake and learned from it, you are put in a position to act out your lessons learned. There’s a reason we’re told to keep a budget to fix financial woes, or to keep a food diary when trying to eat right: self-knowledge is power. Without a clear view of our mental landscape, it’s easy to fall back on bad habits, to repeat the same errors we did yesterday. (And even if we do, that’s just another opportunity to learn about ourselves.) 

Self-improvement is not about finishing a book or a seminar. Self-awareness is a practice, a muscle that grows with time and effort that ultimately provides us strength. We are in a constant state of change, adapting to our cultural influences and our individual experiences. The more we learn to be conscious of our impulses, thoughts, and actions, while also keeping in mind our principles that foster practical wisdom, we can more easily become our best selves. 

http://99u.com/articles/30437/its-all-our-fault-self-awareness-as-a-secret-weapon-for-habit-change