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That’s what several of our course members asked me via email in response to one
of our recent course member discussions. And I’ve been asked similar
questions over the years too. So today, I want to discuss why it’s not
healthy to spend lots of time worrying about what everyone thinks of you, and
how to stop yourself from doing so.
In a nutshell, tying your self-worth to everyone else’s opinions gives you a
flawed sense of reality. But before we look at how to fix this, first we
need to understand why we do this…
From wanting others to think we’re attractive, to checking the number of likes
and comments on our Facebook and Instagram posts, most of us care about what
others think. In fact, a big part of this is an innate desire that we are
born with. It has been proven time and time again that babies’ emotions
are often drawn directly from the behaviors of those around them.
As we grow up, we learn to separate our thoughts and emotions from everyone
else’s, but many of us continue to seek – and in many cases beg for – positive
social validation from other others. This can cause serious trouble when
it comes to self-esteem and happiness. In a recent survey we did with
3,000 of our course members and coaching clients, 67% of them admitted that
their self-worth is strongly tied to what other people think of them.
As human beings, we naturally respond to everything we experience through the
lens of our learned expectations – a set of deep-rooted beliefs about the way
the world is and how things should be. And one of the most prevailing
expectations we have involves external validation and how others ‘should’
respond to us.
Over a century ago, social psychologist Charles Cooley identified the
phenomenon of the “looking-glass self,” which is when we believe “I am not what
I think I am, and I am not what you think I am – I am what I think that you
think I am.” This kind of external validation has insecurity at its core,
and relying on it for even a short time chips away at our sense of self-worth
and self-confidence.
The biggest problem is we tend to forget that people judge us based on a pool
of influences in their own life that have absolutely nothing to do with
us. For example, a person might assume things about you based on a
troubled past experience they had with someone else that looks kind of like
you, or someone else who shares your same last name, etc. Therefore,
basing your self-worth on what others think puts you in a perpetual state of
vulnerability – you are literally at the mercy of their unreliable, bias
perspectives. If they see you in the right light, and respond to you in a
positive, affirming manner, then you feel good about yourself. And if
not, you feel like you did something wrong.
Bottom line: When you’re doing everything for other people, and basing
your happiness and self-worth on their opinions, you’ve lost your moral center.
The good news is that we have the capacity to watch our thoughts and expectations,
identify which ones serve us, and then change the ones that do not.
So, in order to stop worrying so much about what others think, it’s time to
inject some fresh objectivity into your life, and develop a value system that
doesn’t depend on others every step of the way. Here are two things you
can start doing today:
1. Refocus your attention on what DOES matter.
People will think what they want to think. You can’t control them.
No matter how carefully you choose your words and mannerisms, there’s always a
good chance they’ll be misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone.
Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? No, it doesn’t.
What DOES matter is how you see yourself.
So when you’re making big decisions, make a habit of staying 100% true to your
values and convictions. Never be ashamed of doing what feels right.
To help you implement this positive habit, start by listing out 5-10 things
that are important to you when it comes to building your character and living
your life honorably. For example:
- Honesty
- Reliability
- Self-respect
- Self-discipline
- Compassion
- Progression
- Positivity
- etc.
Having a list like this to reference will give you an opportunity to
consciously invoke your handpicked traits/behaviors in place of doing something
random simply for the purpose of external validation. While it may sound
overly simplistic, most people never take the time to actually decide what is
important to them when it comes to their self-image – they let others decide for
them.
2. Let go of your ‘end of the world’ thinking.
All variations of worrying, including worrying about rejection, thrive on ‘end
of the world’ thinking. In other words, our emotions convince us that an
undesirable outcome results in annihilation.
- What if they don’t like me?
- What if he rejects me?
- What if I don’t fit in and I’m left sitting alone at the party?
- etc.
None of these things result in the end of the world, but if we convince
ourselves that they do, we will irrationally fear these outcomes and give our
fears control over us. The truth is, we – human beings – are inefficient
at accurately predicting how future misfortune will make us feel. In
fact, most of the time we avoid consciously thinking about it all together, which
only perpetuates our subconscious fears.
So ask yourself: “If disaster should strike, and my fear of being rejected
comes true, what are three constructive ways I could cope and move forward with
my life?”
Sit down and tell yourself a story (write it down too if it helps) about how
you will feel after rejection, how you will allow yourself to be upset for a
short while, and then how you will begin the process of growing from the
experience and moving on. Just doing this exercise will help you to feel
less fear around the possibility of someone thinking poorly of you. And
you’ll gradually begin to realize…
What other people think of you really doesn’t matter that much.
And of course, if you're struggling with any of this, know that you are
not alone. Many of us are right there with you, working hard to
feel better, think more clearly, and get our lives back on track.
